Self Perception/Others' Percieved Views

I want, more than anything, to be able to look in a mirror and see something worth looking at in it. I want to BE worth looking at. I'm trying, I really am. Healthier choices in drinks, going vegetarian, exercising. It just doesn't seem to be making a difference. Maybe I'm not doing enough. I can feel my muscles growing, but nothing else is changing. It's discouraging. I'm so sick to death of being overweight. I feel like everyone looks at me with disgust. Like every time someone whispers something to someone else, they're talking about how disgusting I am. Like my family looks down on me because of my weight. Like my friends consider me the "fat friend". I'm surrounded by people with great bodies, people that can walk into a store and find nice clothes that fit them. And it seems so easy for them, for the most part. And meanwhile, here I sit, trying so hard not to be spiteful and jealous of them, and mentally failing. Why does every goddamn good thing in my life have to be so hard to attain? I swear I'd appreciate things just as much if, once in a while, they'd be a bit easier in coming. I feel like I've been constantly fighting tooth and nail since I was a very small child and, goddamnit, I'm tired. Life should not be a constant bare knuckled fight. I just want a brief reprieve from the fight.