And also...

Some more poetry Warning: May cause Rai death, but possibly not.

This woman's words amaze me. I wish to hell that I had an iota of the talent she carries with her.

Anything - Andrea Gibson

Just a really good poem. Especially love the bolded lines.


tonight i wanna slit my wrists
hold the blood to god's lips and say taste this
tonight i could swear even the man in the moon
is a rapist
and stars are nothing but scars
bullet wounds from humanities drive
by firing at the face of the sky
tonight crying would be too easy
it would please me too much
and no i don't want you to touch me
cause your hands are clean
and i'm filthy
guilty with the blood of something beautiful
all over me
i've been weak and leaking so much poison
in all the rivers around me
the fish are dying
and the trees are vying for some light
but i'm the eternal night
writing rhymes about wind chimes and world peace
while even in my sleep
i'm fighting wars that grind the enamel off my teeth
and i wake with my jaw clenched and my body bent
thinking how many dishes have i broken this week?
in an attempt to not break myself
by taking brutal belt to my hide
cause it's hard to wanna survive
when i know if ghandi were alive
... he'd shoot me
and all the great therapists of this world might say
girl maybe your anger is good
maybe your rage
is you emerging from the cage of everything you've been
so i try to be zen singing mantras of
om mani padme hum
but god fears me too much to hear me
and my heart beats another kid in the candy store
and his mother calls the cops
and every time the clock tics
i start tic tic tic talking more shit
my voice sounding the crucifixion of everything holy
i've got blisters on my tongue
from pounding nails into hearts of prophets
and just when i think i can stop it
satan resurrects inside me
and everything around me turns to hell
last night i stole pennies from a wishing well
to buy rope
to lynch the last inch of hope from the planet from the planet
and all
because you have a new girlfriend and i can't stand it
and i know it doesn't make sense
i know we decided to be just friends
but i didn't think we'd be just friends forever
i mean...
i wanted to be eighty together
wanted to birth poems like babies together
and watch them grow up save the world
cause girl
you're the only one who could ever raise the sun inside me
and i swear the ground beneath my feet
is only soft because you walk beside
there were times i thought i was so lost
even god would never find me
and then you came up right behind me
and kissed a cross onto my back
and its things like that that got me going crazy
cause i was thinking maybe the breaths we'd take together
would make us live forever
and now you're killing me
look at me i'm dying
not even trying to evolve when
i wanted to be there forty years from now
when the doctor called to say
your mother might not make it another day
and i wasn't gonna be just ok
i was gonna be perfect
was gonna make my love feel
like the first time you rode your bike without training wheels
kneel before you every day
like there was no one else before you
cause i've heard your heart beat
like that breeze that could bring any violence to its knees
and the best lines i've ever written
i plagiarized every word from the thoughts of yours
i heard while you were just sittin in silence
staring up at mars
but you never wish on shooting stars
you wish on the ones
that have the courage to shine where they are
no matter how dark the night
no matter how hard the fight
and how now do i turn away from that light
when i wanted to be eighty with you
birth babies like poems with you
and let them write themselves
wanted to hold your heart to my ear like a sea-shell
til i could hear the tides of every tear you've ever cried
then build islands in the seas of your eyes
so you'd see there's land to swim to
hold your hand and say storms are born
from the same sky we write hymns to when the sun shines
sometimes it takes tempests to wake rainbows
that will wind our pain into halos
was gonna carve your name into my wrist
so my pulse could kiss you
was gonna love you so well
i'd wake every morning
and tell you things like this...
bliss is the moments you're with me
when your gone my life hurts like hell
but i'll do anything to make you happy
even if it means setting you free
to be with someone else

I try. *shrug*

I haven't blogged much lately. Not because I haven't had anything to say, but because I had decided to try and refrain from posting depressing, whiny blogs. Nobody wants to read that shit, and I want my writing to have a bit more substance than that. That said, this is probably going to be a non-substantial, whiny blog. You've been warned.

My grandparents have been back just shy of a week. They were gone to FL, visiting my aunt. Those two weeks were stressful for me, because most of the upkeep of the house and animals fell on my head due to my brother's...shall we say...lack of interest. However, despite that stress, there was a pressure that wasn't there. Breathing was easier, I didn't feel as if I had to tiptoe through a garden of eggshells every minute of every day. My aunt assured me she was speaking to my grandmother on my behalf, trying to make her understand that I'm not the horrible creature she feels I am. I had hope, those two weeks, that things might get better. That hope lasted perhaps six hours upon their return. She told my aunt that she treats me this way because she "doesn't understand me, with whatever it is that's wrong" with me. -For those of you who don't know me, "whatever it is that's wrong with me" is (unmedicated, thanks to medicaid being cut) bipolar disorder, severe anxiety disorders and depression, per my doctors- I thought that maybe my aunt might have helped her to understand. In the week since her return, it is made increasingly apparent that not only does she not understand, she simply doesn't give a fuck. Now, some of you may wonder why a 27 year old grown adult is submitting herself to this? Why not just leave, find my own place, live my own life? If it were that simple I would've been gone long ago. Unfortunately, I've been out of work for the past three years, had two surgeries and have been fighting through the process of a disability appeal. I have no car, no money and the food stamps that I grudgingly collect are not going to put a roof over my head. My anxiety makes the prospect of getting a job nearly incomprehensible, if I even had a way to get to and from a job, were I able to get one. I honestly have no option at this point, other than being where I am and trying to keep my head above water.

All I want, really, is for her to try and understand that I'm not a monster. I want to be able to have a conversation with my grandma without her thinking that my every word is rife with ill intent and malice. I want her to talk to me like she does my brother. Like she cares what's going on in my life. Like she didn't wish the earth would swallow me up and take me out of her life. Or, I want to be able to accept the fact that this will never happen and allow myself to be ok with that. Neither option seems likely, and it rips me up inside to admit that. It makes me feel so dead inside, to know that the woman who basically raised me thinks so badly of me. It's gotten to the point where I find myself unable to look up anymore. I have rational thoughts of removing myself from the equation. Clear headed, thought out with intellect, rational thoughts of ending the constant physical and emotional pain. Even on good days, days where things are looking up and I feel "happy", my mind still strays to this. Even when my friends are around me, even when I've got things to look forward to, even when I've met someone who makes my heart beat a bit faster and gives me a smile, my mind still strays to this. Even when there's good around me, cocooning me, it doesn't push away the deadness at my center. I think, subconsciously, I've given up. I don't know how to bounce back from this place anymore, or if it's even a possibility at this point. Isn't there a time in every situation where you accept defeat and cut your losses?

This is not to say that I actively want to die. I want, more than anything, to have life prove me wrong, and for this dead and desolate landscape inside me and heal, bloom again. I want to see where things go with this new person who has so captivated me for the past 20 days. I want to see how the future unfolds. Much in the same way a plant, being slowly poisoned with bleach, still yearns for the sunlight and reaches for water.

To those who have expressed concern.

JUST A FRIENDLY REMINDER TO THOSE WHO ARE CONCERNED. The things you read on facebook and here are me venting. Me writing out the things I feel in order to get them out of my head in a manner which is non confrontational. Some people use a hand written journal to express their feelings and emotions, I use my blog. Please do not assume that because I write "I want to slice my arm until blood runs" it means that I am going to DO IT, anymore than me writing that "I feel like my head is going to explode" in regards to a migraine headache means it is, in fact, going to explode. It means that the thought is in my head and I am writing it down to do so as to REMOVE it from my head and give it a release. I appreciate the fact that some of my writing is sensational and over the top, and this may cause concern in some of you, but rest assured, I am a non violent person in action if not in thought and to be quite honest would rather see myself in pain than someone I love and care about, even when those I love and care about are the source of my pain. If you read something in my blog or my facebook statuses that concerns you, PLEASE do the adult thing and bring it up to me in a message or comment, as I am a grown adult and fully willing to discuss/explain my thought process with anything I've written and posted for the public eye.

It is I, back from the great beyond.

I haven't blogged in some time. Which is not to say I haven't had blogs in my head, but I've been too damn exhausted this past week to be bothered with typing them out. I've been up at 5:45 every day since Monday to go watch Chance (my best friend's new baby. He's almost two months old and adorable, and, luckily for me, a very good baby)while she and her husband work.


**Hours later**

Yeah, anyway. That about sums up what I've been up to/will be up to this coming week. Perhaps I'll write more soon, perhaps not. Until then...