I try. *shrug*

I haven't blogged much lately. Not because I haven't had anything to say, but because I had decided to try and refrain from posting depressing, whiny blogs. Nobody wants to read that shit, and I want my writing to have a bit more substance than that. That said, this is probably going to be a non-substantial, whiny blog. You've been warned.

My grandparents have been back just shy of a week. They were gone to FL, visiting my aunt. Those two weeks were stressful for me, because most of the upkeep of the house and animals fell on my head due to my brother's...shall we say...lack of interest. However, despite that stress, there was a pressure that wasn't there. Breathing was easier, I didn't feel as if I had to tiptoe through a garden of eggshells every minute of every day. My aunt assured me she was speaking to my grandmother on my behalf, trying to make her understand that I'm not the horrible creature she feels I am. I had hope, those two weeks, that things might get better. That hope lasted perhaps six hours upon their return. She told my aunt that she treats me this way because she "doesn't understand me, with whatever it is that's wrong" with me. -For those of you who don't know me, "whatever it is that's wrong with me" is (unmedicated, thanks to medicaid being cut) bipolar disorder, severe anxiety disorders and depression, per my doctors- I thought that maybe my aunt might have helped her to understand. In the week since her return, it is made increasingly apparent that not only does she not understand, she simply doesn't give a fuck. Now, some of you may wonder why a 27 year old grown adult is submitting herself to this? Why not just leave, find my own place, live my own life? If it were that simple I would've been gone long ago. Unfortunately, I've been out of work for the past three years, had two surgeries and have been fighting through the process of a disability appeal. I have no car, no money and the food stamps that I grudgingly collect are not going to put a roof over my head. My anxiety makes the prospect of getting a job nearly incomprehensible, if I even had a way to get to and from a job, were I able to get one. I honestly have no option at this point, other than being where I am and trying to keep my head above water.

All I want, really, is for her to try and understand that I'm not a monster. I want to be able to have a conversation with my grandma without her thinking that my every word is rife with ill intent and malice. I want her to talk to me like she does my brother. Like she cares what's going on in my life. Like she didn't wish the earth would swallow me up and take me out of her life. Or, I want to be able to accept the fact that this will never happen and allow myself to be ok with that. Neither option seems likely, and it rips me up inside to admit that. It makes me feel so dead inside, to know that the woman who basically raised me thinks so badly of me. It's gotten to the point where I find myself unable to look up anymore. I have rational thoughts of removing myself from the equation. Clear headed, thought out with intellect, rational thoughts of ending the constant physical and emotional pain. Even on good days, days where things are looking up and I feel "happy", my mind still strays to this. Even when my friends are around me, even when I've got things to look forward to, even when I've met someone who makes my heart beat a bit faster and gives me a smile, my mind still strays to this. Even when there's good around me, cocooning me, it doesn't push away the deadness at my center. I think, subconsciously, I've given up. I don't know how to bounce back from this place anymore, or if it's even a possibility at this point. Isn't there a time in every situation where you accept defeat and cut your losses?

This is not to say that I actively want to die. I want, more than anything, to have life prove me wrong, and for this dead and desolate landscape inside me and heal, bloom again. I want to see where things go with this new person who has so captivated me for the past 20 days. I want to see how the future unfolds. Much in the same way a plant, being slowly poisoned with bleach, still yearns for the sunlight and reaches for water.