Abortion of Words

I am determined to write a blog that actually makes it to the end of the process, instead of the many abortions that have happened lately. I'm horrible about that, writing things that never see the light of day. I should post whatever I write, despite whether I deem it worthy or not. I censor myself far too much for my own liking. Must work on this.

I have been so incredibly frustrated the past couple days. Frustrated and hurt, to be truthful. There is this huge THING between my grandmother and myself that I want more than anything to resolve, but I'm at a loss as to just how to accomplish that. I am a sarcastic person by nature. I speak loudly, and if I get confused or frustrated (usually with myself) it shows in my voice. I use roughneck phrases and I swear a lot. I sound like a bitch, I guess, that seems to be the general consensus. Whatever, I can deal with that because I know I'm not actually a bitch, most days. (This is not to say I can't BE a bitch, because that would be an outright, bald faced lie.) My grandmother, however, seems to think that my tone of voice is directed at her, and she gets pissed off. It's not, I don't think I'm better than her, I don't think she's stupid, I'm not talking down on her, it's just the way my voice is. I cannot get her to understand this. So, she takes offense and gets extremely pissy and sometimes outright hurtful with me, which does set me off. So then, I get bitchy with her. All because she misunderstood me. It's a vicious fucking cycle and I'm beginning to think the only way to resolve it is for me to just stop speaking entirely. I don't want to argue all the time, I dislike arguing more than nearly anything else. Also, there's another issue with her that I can't figure out a way to solve. When someone says something and I know it to be incorrect, I speak up. I wouldn't want to be misinformed about something, and I assume that most others wouldn't either. I don't do it to lord my intelligence over anyone, or to act high and mighty or whatever. I just want people to have the correct information. So, if something is said to me and it's incorrect, I will correct the statement and then explain my reasoning, why it was incorrect. If I am proven to be wrong, then I will back down and accept that I was wrong. She refuses to let me explain anything. She cuts me off mid word and gets pissy with me. Now, if you know me, you know that I have some deep seated self confidence issues, and someone cutting me off in the middle of speaking is something that kicks me hard. It makes me feel as if what I have to say is of no importance and that hurts me more than I can express. I ask her if she would please let me finish speaking or explaining and she takes it as me being a smart ass, and she gets even pissier. It's NOT me being a smart ass, I honestly just want to be allowed to speak my piece without being made to feel unimportant. She just won't listen to me, and I honestly think that she considers me stupid and not worth the air it takes to form my words, some days. This isn't every day. Most days we're fine, and I think if she and I could just hash out these two things we could probably have a good relationship. I would really like for that to happen, but it's been like this for so long, I don't think it ever will.

I have so many projects on my computer I need to work on, and I just never get around to them. I have over 3000 mp3's I need to go through and clean up the track tags of. I have I don't even know how many pictures I need to give names and organize. I have video I need to burn to DVD. I need to organize a hard copy list of all the sites I have a username/password on. I need to get all this shit done before November, because once I get a decision one way or the other at my court date I'll either be going back to school or getting a job. Once the real world comes back into my life, I get the feeling that these smaller and less important things will fall to the wayside, and I don't really want that to happen. I guess instead of talking about it here, I should probably go and work on one of those projects, eh?