Poetry over the years

For You.


A lock of your hair brushes my cheek
and I realize now what happiness means
your skin so soft and warm pressed against mine
brings a contentedness never felt before
the slow brush of my hand across your stomach
brings a shiver down both of our spines
My hand would be content to spend forever there
stroking that expanse of silk
that holds you tight
even when my arms cant.

***

For me.


Hot, slick silk encases me
over and over again
the roughness of your tongue
so soft and rough all at once
travels my neck my shoulder my ear
parts my parched lips
and strokes my own
my fingers spread you
so hot and silken and all
throbs and squeezes and moans and grips
the scratchy ridges of my thumbprint
rolling over the throbbing swollen bud that lives within
i press you moan i stroke you writhe i caress you scream
for me
my name
your eyes
on mine
for me

***

One hit wonder


Here we are again I'm the one hit wonder
you cast it so well this spell that I'm under
like a magician weaving his magic
a handful of faerie dust across the crowd
like dust dust dust in the wind
blown away when it came to the end
dust falling falling falling down to the floor
like the spot where you took me your dirty little whore
falling down fast and falling down hard
a slight of hand
pick the right card
I'll read your mind
tell you what you wanna hear
then when you blink deep in thought
I'm outta here

***

Night terror aka the strobe effect.


Fist. Moves. through. air. as. if. under. a. strobe.
hits. lips. which. hit. teeth. which. make. lips. explode.
blood. running. flesh. ripping. teeth. breaking. face. torn.
breathe. in. fast. fist. drawing. back. for. some. more.
this. time. to. the. temple. stars. fly. through. brain.
head. snaps. back. body. falls. slowly. connects. more. pain.
foot. draws. back. then. flies. forward. slow. motion. broken.
black. white. black. white. red. hot. pain. ribs. crack. scream. dies. unspoken.
laying. on. back. fists. rain. down. with. the. force. of. a. truck.
voice. inside. screaming. wake. up. wake. up. wake. up. wake. up

***

just a dream


My hand reaches for you and grasps air
and yet my skin still glows from the caresses you gave
my lips are still kiss swollen from uniting with yours
my heart still beats fast from the passion we shared
just a dream
just a dream inside my head
like so many nights before

***

I am


I am the words I write
I am the air I breathe
I am the water I bathe in
I am the earth beneath my feet
I am the leaves blooming on the trees
I am the clouds pregnant with rain
I am the bird feeding her young
as well as the one on wing in the sky
I am the lightning that lights the night
I am the thunder that rolls like a bass drum across the earth
I am you
I am me
I am everyone and every thing
everywhere.
I am.

***

Rodeo


you're rolling, bucking beneath me

I have to grip with my thighs to hold on

Dig in with my heels, My hand at my center

Lean back so I don't get thrown off

I'm grinding down into you

meeting each and every thrust

Your mane is wild and thrown back

Your skin shivers beneath my legs

I'm sure it's been more than eight seconds
but then I can ride this one till the end

***

Who What When Where Why How

Who are you to hurt me
Who am I to hold on
Who will ever want me this way
Who's gonna tell me to move on


What did I do to deserve you
What did I do to make you go away
What am I supposed to do now
What words am I supposed to say


When will I let you go
When will my heart be free
When will your ghost release my soul
When will you let me be


Where does your mind go now
Where does your heart belong
Where do you fit into my life now
Where did it all go wrong


Why did you break my spirit
Why did you lead me on
Why did you have to steal my heart
Why do you have to be gone


How does your life feel to you now
How could your heart walk away
How can you leave me here thinking
How maybe you'll love me again someday

***

For J.
8-18-01



I feel so lonely without your touch
I don't know how to heal
Your arms that wrapped around me
Your love was all that was real
But instead of falling into your embrace
I braced myself for the fall
I prepared myself for the oncoming hurt
Unconsciously building a wall
I slowly gathered up bricks and mortar
In a fiery ball in my chest
Until a fire of fear and pain
Used my love as a catalyst
And harsh words were thrown
And hot tears were cried
And little by little, bit by bit
Both of us started to die inside
And you retreated into a shell
And colored the world around you grey
And I searched for a method inside myself
To try and make everything ok
But as time passed by
And our lines were drawn
The more my search seemed futile
The more I could see you were gone
The distance grew in silence
You and I on opposite sides
And our fallen tears were thrown to the ocean
To be forgotten with the incoming tide
And even though I still remembered
My endless love for you
You took your life and ran with it
Into the arms of someone new
You let her kiss away your salty tears
And mend what had fallen apart
And you let yourself forget the love
That is still alive in my heart

And now so much time has passed
But my mind still turns to you
I wonder if your feelings still last
The way mine will always do
I wonder if your mind ever reaches for me
Searches for the slightest clue
That the love still remains
If there'll ever be another chance
For me to prove myself to you
Because for you I would walk through fire
broken glass or rain
For even the slightest chance
For me to make up for the pain
Because to hold you in my arms
to touch your silken hair
Is a primal need inside of me
More precious than the air
And so I ask of you one question
as the last shades of night depart
If you look deep down inside yourself
is there still room for me in your heart?

***

Hidden pearl


Silken hair intrigues me
Delirium pursues
Satin skin entices
Whats to come is long overdue
Smoldering eyes beckon
deep red lips part
limbs and fingers entwine
As inhibitions quickly depart
Passion creates fever
Silken walls accept my love
Eternity it far too short a time
For us to bask in this love
Hot trails are traced in skin
The finest pearl revealed
the jewel is bathed slowly
as years of pain is healed
I feel your tide coming in
The wetness drenches my soul
As the earth begins to tremor
I make the circuit whole
My fingers thrust inside you
as your body begins to quake
You hold on hard to the satin sheets
as the waves rise and break
then the sea is calm again
your pearl hidden away
or silken limbs entwine again
as the sea washes us both away

***

Something different


I'm not the child you expected me to be.
I'm not your little girl.
I walk a road you wouldn't have chosen for me.
I want to see my own view of the world.

I do things with my life you don't approve of.
I love in a way that offends.
I don't have to ask for your permission.
I control how my story ends.

I'm not society's norm.
I'm not accepted and loved by all.
I am something different,
and if it comes to it I'll take my own fall.

I will stand strong by my choices.
I will wear my pride for all to see.
I won't listen to the naysayers.
And above all I will be me.

Being something different
doesn't make me any less.
Regardless I'm still a beautiful strong woman.
And I can be this without wearing a dress.

My beauty is in my independence,
not on the cover of a magazine.
And my love is still valid and true, whether on this side
or that of the fence.

I will live my life to the fullest.
And I will be whoever I become.
I just hope others walk the same road.
Because there's nothing here worth hiding from.

Everyone should be proud to be
something different.

***

My gift to you


What is tainted, twisted and deformed inside me is all I have to offer. It's not much, I know...really not much of a gift at all. I think though, in your hands it may become something different. When you first began to touch that mangled, dark place inside something strange happened. I felt it shift. A movement inside my breast that I hadn't felt before. A partial filling of a place that had been empty for so long, been wanting for something more than the darkness for ages. With that one simple touch you brought change to that which had never had change.
And you continued to touch me there, in that forlorn, lonely, dank place. And with each touch the twisting intensified. Things once bent and crooked now less so. The darkness being shoved aside by something akin to light. The mold and mildew drying up and receding.
Then out of the blue..something happened. Your touch brought about a stirring inside. A slow shudder then a beat. Then another. Then another. Then a slow but steady rhythm, a rhythm so long gone it was almost forgotten. The lifeblood began returning to that void in my chest where the dark things used to live.
You brought the light back into the darkness, and you changed what was deformed and made it beautiful, and that beauty is what I offer you now.

***

Path


there's a path
from my heart
it's well worn and true
Packed firm from the footsteps
of people walking out of my life
Carrying a piece of me
as they go
I share my love willingly
and they take all I give
Tuck it in their pockets
safe keeping
as they walk
And I sit
And I wonder
if one day
someone will come
and give me some of them
Instead of walking
that well worn path
Leading away from my heart.

***

...

Mommy screams
daddy yells
night after night
my own private hell

Shh baby, it's alright
mommy and daddy just had a fight
go to sleep, it'll be ok
just be still and quiet, he likes it that way

Night after night
the same old game
daddy gets mad
mommy feels pain

Now Angel don't tell
you know the routine
mommy just fell
they'll come in between

You don't want daddy
to get sent away
so just smile and be quiet
or daddy'll pay

And then he'll be mad
and you know what that means
so be mommy's big girl
and ignore mommy's screams

Mommy screams
daddy yells
night after night
my own private hell

***

Abortion that should have been


You got what you want
your perfect little family
your girlfriend, your son,
your two daughters
the annoying element of that oldest daughter
the big embarrassment, the shaved headed dyke
the one who can't seem to get ahead
and truthfully is most like you out of all your kids
you've managed to completely alienate her
while pulling your son in
you never wanted me, this I know
never thought of me as more than a burden
Begged my mother to try again
did you get it right that time?
Is everyone's golden boy the one you wanted from the beginning?
Did he make up for the brown eyed mistake that came five years before?
Were the next two the daughters you never had?
I ruined your life...only 21 years old.
cramped your drug addled whoring ways.
Maybe your life would have been better
had you just paid the 300 dollars
and let me be the abortion that was
instead of the abortion that should have been.

***

Report card


Once upon a time, a world ago
or maybe a few years
its hard to tell now
I had everything held in my hands
and I let it slip away
like sand through fingertips
Life then was good, Loving was easy
learning you my favorite course
a 4.0 should have been a given
Instead when the report cards came
my best efforts weren't enough
I'd failed at loving you

***

Pain, revisited.


Five years in the future and it still hurts just as bad
situation was different
we were just friends
but a loss is a loss
no matter what the breed
ecstatic to have you back in my life
remembering day by day
things that my memory had hidden from me
why you're so special
why you kept me smiling
why I missed you so much
the first time around
Pain revisited hurts more
losing someone twice
is two times the anguish
cause love lost is love lost
no matter what the breed
you will be missed
my friend.

***

Words from an insomniac


Sleep eludes me nightly
making room for words and images and memories and embarrassments and pain and stress and all the other demons to play
and wreak havoc on my fragile brain
I could say a million sorries
to a million different people
hand them out like candy at a parade
and it still wouldn't stop the demons the words the images the embarrassments the memories the stress or the pain
I'll never be able to make things right
no matter how hard I try
not right enough for others
or right enough for me to have peace in my own brain

***

Less than nothing.


Slowly everything walks away from me
Until I'm left with nothing
less than nothing really
Love is not meant for me.
or that's the gist I'm getting.
I love her with all I am
and that means nothing
less than nothing really
I've not much option left
no opportunities either
a family to whom I am nothing
less than nothing really

***


my true face


The face you see is naught but a mask
worn for so long that it seems more than it is
worn for so long that it seems more real
than what it's meant to hide

***

hearts blood


My tears come unbidden
they wind their way to the floor
each silvery little tear
a wound taken on in this war
Though my skin isn't broken
My wounds are many, not few
Each small river of emotional hearts blood
a result of a harsh word from you
There are no innocents
In this war that stretches on
I guess in the end the end the question will be
has either side really won

***

Drowning


My head has been held under for so long that my oxygen supply has started to run out. I'm holding onto that one last little bubble that provides me with what I need to survive but I can feel it's thin outer membrane about to burst. I go from low to high and back again so quickly that my head never stops spinning. Constantly dizzy, constantly starved for oxygen. Possessed of the knowledge that I can't continue on this way.

***

Ayo


Man, I'm sick of the shit. Everything droppin all at once, makes a dyke feel like her worlds about to fall off it's axis. I don't know where to turn, or where to go...everything's movin so fast one minute then the next it's goin slow. The love of my life, I had to take a step back from...just when I was thinkin maybe it'll be ok after all that's when the other shoe done fell. Pain is an ever present house guest far overstayed it's welcome, money's tight and times are lonely. Everyone and everything feels so damn far out of my reach, but honestly I don't know if I even want what I'm reachin for to begin with. I cry til I laugh, I laugh til I cry...without knowin a reason. When I do know the reason the reason doesn't seem as if it's reason enough to cause the outcome that it inevitably does. Then shit flips and the reason is reason for a reaction far greater than the emotion I can gather. Speed up, slow down, spin out of control...rinse and repeat. Every day a new pattern of the same monotony. "Do you feel that you have super powers?" Why yes, yes I do. I can cry oceans at a single word, I can lash wounds that go to the bone using only my tongue. I can retreat into nothing until I'm as see through as glass. I can show you an entire universe using only my eyes, if you just know how to look into them. I can bear more weight on my shoulders than Atlas and endure more sadness than the average bear. That's me, I'm superdyke. I'm not a bird, I'm not a plane, I can't even leap a tall fence in a single bound. I'm just your average every day wallflower holed up in the prison I built from my own emotions and a little bit of bubblegum.

***


Forever


Forever was supposed to be ours
we held it in our hands
but when we weren't looking
it slid thru our fingers like sand
and left us wanting
and not knowing where to turn
as slowly the candle of our love
grew shorter as it burned
and soon all that was left
was a tiny angry flame
full of bitterness and ego
but mostly full of blame
Our words turned to gloves
us two boxers in the ring
forgetting all about our love
with the ferocity of our swings
Punch after punch landed true
blow after blow took toll
Soon it was just me and you
and the wounds inflicted on our souls
The wounds were to great
they weren't going to mend
We've both lost forever,
but worse, we've lost a friend

***

Always always


Always the bridesmaid
never the bride
Always the one left
to die inside
Always forgiving
never forgiven
Always questioning
never driven
Always alone
never complete
Always the giver
met with deceit

***


Drunken Meanderings.


Here I sit again
The blinking cursor mocking me
The glow of the monitor my only friend
I'm not the person I used to be
A watered down and pale comparison
A glimmer of what you used to see
When you looked into my eyes
Lonely, hollow, lacking all the energy
that used to flow like a river inside of me

***


Kevlar


I sit at night

And I try to write

But all I can think about is

Your

Skin

So soft to the touch

Misleading how much

Akin to Kevlar

Your

Skin

Really

Is

I mean I could touch you

And kiss you

And make love to you for hours on end

And I still wouldn't have penetrated you

Wouldn't even have made you bend

Like a willow bough

In a light breeze

I'm Down

On my knees

Begging

Begging

Begging you.

Would you please let me in?

I promise not to touch anything.

I'll leave my boots by the door.

But no.



I'm not welcome round here no more

Not welcome

Not welcome

Not welcome into what used to be home to me

Where my fingers loved to lay languidly all day

Where I truly felt I belonged like the stars belong in the sky

Where I felt I belonged like a mother belongs to her baby's cry



But No.

I was wrong.

So I'm left to stand outside your door and look at my toes

Knowing full well you're watching me through the peephole

Watching me kicking softly at the cement and the welcome mat

I can feel your eye

Your one single eye on me watching to see what I'm gonna do

Testing me to see if I'll spend my whole life standing here waiting for you



But I can't

I just can't

Cuz I've got a life to live you know.

And I can't live it standing at your door

I can't live life while waiting

on you anymore.

***

Because I love you
(to my mom)


We don't say I love you
We don't hug
Or show emotion
Because emotion shows weakness
And we can't afford to be weak
So we don't hug
and we don't say I love you
Until the day comes
when I learned
We could potentially lose you
I showed you my tears that day
And I hope you know
Those tears, for all they cost me
came freely
as did my love for you.
We saw you through it
The surgery, the radiation
The treatment you still have to take
And we were back to standing strong
The tears stay shoved away
most days.
I've gotta stand strong
I can't let you know
how scared I was
how when I was told
I broke a cabinet with my fist
and cried for hours
I was so scared
I was so scared we were going to lose you
Because I do love you
And I need you here
there's so much of my life I've yet to live
and I need you to be here to help me
when I don't know what to do.
and I need you here
because I love you.

***

shadows


So alone
even when surrounded by people.
forever the shadow
that walks and talks
blends into the background

It's my cross to bear
this life lived outside the light
Its no one's fault but my own
In the shadows is the only way to get left alone

I'm scared of my own shadow
I'm scared of what I feel
I'm scared of what I can't say
through the stammer

My protection methods
they also shut me off
So I'm doomed to live life alone
in the shadows of love

***

Make me sing


My body screams to be touched
but any old touch won't do
It yearns for a lover with knowledge
and the only one who knows me is you
You come to me in my dreams
but dreams are a fleeting thing
I hunger for your skin against mine
because only you know how to make me sing

***


falling

you fly golden
like the sunlight
when you're tryin to do what's right
but what happens when what's right
feels wrong
when home makes you feel
like you don't belong
when things start gettin hard
and you're holdin a hand
full of the wrong card
you try and you try
but no matter how hard you try
you can't seem to fly
and the sky
oh the sky
it's unreachably high
just beyond your grasp
and your golden feeling starts to lapse
and next thing you know
you're fallin
with neither a feather
or a parachute
the ground screaming up at you

***


work in progress


I ain't wrote in a minute
I can't find my words
and I can't help but wonder
what I've done to deserve
this chasm of emptiness
where the rhymes used to be
I guess I took for granted
what always came so easily

***


Unfinished


I don't need you by my side
I don't need anyone to survive
but still, without you
I'm drowning