Holy Fuck.

Holy fuck holy fuck holy fuck holy fuck holy fucking fuck.

That's all I can really think right now. That song...just the vocals have always cleaved me in two. Seeing it as Amanda performed it, her expression, the way she holds herself, jesus fucking christ. The performance literally made me light headed and dizzy, and that's just from watching it on youtube. I can't even imagine what my reaction would've been seeing it live.

As someone who has been through the subject of the song, I know that that kind of handling of it can really only be brought about by someone who is either an absolutely fucking phenomenal actress or someone who has been there. I won't presume to say which category she falls into, but jesus fucking christ, wow.

I shared the video with a friend, another avid Amanda Palmer fan, and thoughts were provoked at her response. "That's a really messed up song." It kinda threw me for a minute. Yeah, I guess it is kind of a messed up song if you're looking at it for entertainment value only, as someone who has never had to experience rape would. To me the song has always been an expression of the artist's (Tori Amos) releasing of demons. Describing what happened, what you felt, physically. Describing the fucked up thoughts that your mind gives you in an attempt to distance itself from the horror that is happening to your body. And proving to yourself (and to your audience) that you made it through it. I don't know, maybe I'm completely wrong at Tori's reasoning for writing the song, but that's what my poetry and other writing about my rape/sexual abuse were driven by. And by that thought process, I don't think the song's messed up at all. I'm glad, though, that she thought it was messed up. I'm glad she didn't have reason to relate to it. I wish no woman could relate to it, and I wish that there had never been reason for the song to be written in the first place, or for it to have been covered with such shattered-glass-sharp emotion that it evoked a physical response in me. In a perfect world no person would know the correct words to write a song about the theft of a soul, no one would know the appropriate facial expression, body stance, projected emotion to paint the correct visual.

But the world will never be perfect.