Ponderous.

I'm going to attempt a blog now, despite the fact that my head is absolutely killing me. I spoke to my Aunt Becki last night, and she told me something that, despite having been told this by a cousin not long ago, took me by surprise. She told me that several family members she's spoken to have commented to her that I've changed dramatically of the past little while. They've told her that I'm happier, I seem more driven and that in general, I'm more pleasant to be around. I suppose that I have changed, though. I DO feel more driven. I've set a workout plan for myself and have followed it for quite a while now, I've stuck to the vegetarianism thing, despite how downright hard it's been at times. I have a definite plan in place for going back to school that I will put into action as soon as my life gets put back on the road. I feel like my bipolar highs and lows have become more spread out (though by no means have they disappeared) and my overall mood is generally better. I'm no longer thinking about ending my life on a daily basis, and sometimes, when I look in the mirror, I'm almost ok with the person who looks back at me. As for the happiness part, I'm not sure, because I honestly don't remember what true happiness is supposed to feel like. Over all, it's a good thing, I guess. I did have to sit down and think about it when a close friend told me that my changes have made me "boring and unoriginal", and that I was more normal now, because none of those things are good things to me, but ultimately I decided that if "normal, boring and unoriginal" mean that I'm not constantly in a black pit of depression, well, so be it.

Also, I've finally received a date when my life will be put back on track, one way or the other. Come November 9th I'll have a decision. I'm terrified of appearing in court (really, how much sense does it make for someone with anxiety disorders to have to speak in a court?) but I have my ativan, and I have the knowledge that doing so will end the nearly three year hiatus my life's been on. So, wish me luck. Wish me lots and lots and lots of luck. :c)