Passionate.

Something was brought to my attention earlier, and I've been rolling it around in my head. It's weird. I'm a passionate person. Very passionate. I LOVE things, or I HATE them. Capital letter feelings. All my emotions are that way. I don't get mildly blue, I get down in the deepest depth of blackness I can't see the light at the top. When I'm excited I'm like a fucking chihuahua on crack. There just really isn't an in between for me. Same goes for things in my life that mean a lot to me. Music. Art. Movies. Books. When something strikes me, it strikes me deep. And I want to share it with people. I want to express to them how much this song meant to me, how it struck me deep, how it moved me to tears. How this movie made my breath catch. This book made me think in ways I'd never thought before. I want to share with them, so they can feel at least a little bit of what it made me feel.

But, I usually don't.

For some reason I feel like expressing the extent of my emotions is a bad thing. Like other people don't care to hear about it. Like they'll think I'm stupid for feeling that deeply. I guess it's just kind of not done in my family. Like expressing emotions is a sign of weakness or something. I think that's bullshit, but I'm so afraid of being ridiculed that I rein myself in. It's ridiculous that I should feel I have to do that.

I remember once, it was in like..July 2000. I had just come home from Lilith Fair, which was the first big concert I'd ever gone to. That concert rocked me to my core. Like..I didn't even have a comparison for how awesome it was. And when I got home, I was still riding that high. And my mom asked me how the concert was, and I remember drawing a breath to try and sort through the mass of adjectives that were trying to spill out to explain to her how amazing it'd been, my eyes all wide, and I told her "it was absolutely phenomenal, Mom." And she just looked at me and rolled her eyes, and like that the subject was dropped.

It's just not done. We don't show strong emotions. We don't show our passion for the things that move us.

And you know what? I'm sick of it. Fuck it. People wanna look at me funny, let 'em. I'm an emotional, passionate person. Deal with it.