And also...

Some more poetry Warning: May cause Rai death, but possibly not.

This woman's words amaze me. I wish to hell that I had an iota of the talent she carries with her.

Anything - Andrea Gibson

Just a really good poem. Especially love the bolded lines.


tonight i wanna slit my wrists
hold the blood to god's lips and say taste this
tonight i could swear even the man in the moon
is a rapist
and stars are nothing but scars
bullet wounds from humanities drive
by firing at the face of the sky
tonight crying would be too easy
it would please me too much
and no i don't want you to touch me
cause your hands are clean
and i'm filthy
guilty with the blood of something beautiful
all over me
i've been weak and leaking so much poison
in all the rivers around me
the fish are dying
and the trees are vying for some light
but i'm the eternal night
writing rhymes about wind chimes and world peace
while even in my sleep
i'm fighting wars that grind the enamel off my teeth
and i wake with my jaw clenched and my body bent
thinking how many dishes have i broken this week?
in an attempt to not break myself
by taking brutal belt to my hide
cause it's hard to wanna survive
when i know if ghandi were alive
... he'd shoot me
and all the great therapists of this world might say
girl maybe your anger is good
maybe your rage
is you emerging from the cage of everything you've been
so i try to be zen singing mantras of
om mani padme hum
but god fears me too much to hear me
and my heart beats another kid in the candy store
and his mother calls the cops
and every time the clock tics
i start tic tic tic talking more shit
my voice sounding the crucifixion of everything holy
i've got blisters on my tongue
from pounding nails into hearts of prophets
and just when i think i can stop it
satan resurrects inside me
and everything around me turns to hell
last night i stole pennies from a wishing well
to buy rope
to lynch the last inch of hope from the planet from the planet
and all
because you have a new girlfriend and i can't stand it
and i know it doesn't make sense
i know we decided to be just friends
but i didn't think we'd be just friends forever
i mean...
i wanted to be eighty together
wanted to birth poems like babies together
and watch them grow up save the world
cause girl
you're the only one who could ever raise the sun inside me
and i swear the ground beneath my feet
is only soft because you walk beside
there were times i thought i was so lost
even god would never find me
and then you came up right behind me
and kissed a cross onto my back
and its things like that that got me going crazy
cause i was thinking maybe the breaths we'd take together
would make us live forever
and now you're killing me
look at me i'm dying
not even trying to evolve when
i wanted to be there forty years from now
when the doctor called to say
your mother might not make it another day
and i wasn't gonna be just ok
i was gonna be perfect
was gonna make my love feel
like the first time you rode your bike without training wheels
kneel before you every day
like there was no one else before you
cause i've heard your heart beat
like that breeze that could bring any violence to its knees
and the best lines i've ever written
i plagiarized every word from the thoughts of yours
i heard while you were just sittin in silence
staring up at mars
but you never wish on shooting stars
you wish on the ones
that have the courage to shine where they are
no matter how dark the night
no matter how hard the fight
and how now do i turn away from that light
when i wanted to be eighty with you
birth babies like poems with you
and let them write themselves
wanted to hold your heart to my ear like a sea-shell
til i could hear the tides of every tear you've ever cried
then build islands in the seas of your eyes
so you'd see there's land to swim to
hold your hand and say storms are born
from the same sky we write hymns to when the sun shines
sometimes it takes tempests to wake rainbows
that will wind our pain into halos
was gonna carve your name into my wrist
so my pulse could kiss you
was gonna love you so well
i'd wake every morning
and tell you things like this...
bliss is the moments you're with me
when your gone my life hurts like hell
but i'll do anything to make you happy
even if it means setting you free
to be with someone else

I try. *shrug*

I haven't blogged much lately. Not because I haven't had anything to say, but because I had decided to try and refrain from posting depressing, whiny blogs. Nobody wants to read that shit, and I want my writing to have a bit more substance than that. That said, this is probably going to be a non-substantial, whiny blog. You've been warned.

My grandparents have been back just shy of a week. They were gone to FL, visiting my aunt. Those two weeks were stressful for me, because most of the upkeep of the house and animals fell on my head due to my brother's...shall we say...lack of interest. However, despite that stress, there was a pressure that wasn't there. Breathing was easier, I didn't feel as if I had to tiptoe through a garden of eggshells every minute of every day. My aunt assured me she was speaking to my grandmother on my behalf, trying to make her understand that I'm not the horrible creature she feels I am. I had hope, those two weeks, that things might get better. That hope lasted perhaps six hours upon their return. She told my aunt that she treats me this way because she "doesn't understand me, with whatever it is that's wrong" with me. -For those of you who don't know me, "whatever it is that's wrong with me" is (unmedicated, thanks to medicaid being cut) bipolar disorder, severe anxiety disorders and depression, per my doctors- I thought that maybe my aunt might have helped her to understand. In the week since her return, it is made increasingly apparent that not only does she not understand, she simply doesn't give a fuck. Now, some of you may wonder why a 27 year old grown adult is submitting herself to this? Why not just leave, find my own place, live my own life? If it were that simple I would've been gone long ago. Unfortunately, I've been out of work for the past three years, had two surgeries and have been fighting through the process of a disability appeal. I have no car, no money and the food stamps that I grudgingly collect are not going to put a roof over my head. My anxiety makes the prospect of getting a job nearly incomprehensible, if I even had a way to get to and from a job, were I able to get one. I honestly have no option at this point, other than being where I am and trying to keep my head above water.

All I want, really, is for her to try and understand that I'm not a monster. I want to be able to have a conversation with my grandma without her thinking that my every word is rife with ill intent and malice. I want her to talk to me like she does my brother. Like she cares what's going on in my life. Like she didn't wish the earth would swallow me up and take me out of her life. Or, I want to be able to accept the fact that this will never happen and allow myself to be ok with that. Neither option seems likely, and it rips me up inside to admit that. It makes me feel so dead inside, to know that the woman who basically raised me thinks so badly of me. It's gotten to the point where I find myself unable to look up anymore. I have rational thoughts of removing myself from the equation. Clear headed, thought out with intellect, rational thoughts of ending the constant physical and emotional pain. Even on good days, days where things are looking up and I feel "happy", my mind still strays to this. Even when my friends are around me, even when I've got things to look forward to, even when I've met someone who makes my heart beat a bit faster and gives me a smile, my mind still strays to this. Even when there's good around me, cocooning me, it doesn't push away the deadness at my center. I think, subconsciously, I've given up. I don't know how to bounce back from this place anymore, or if it's even a possibility at this point. Isn't there a time in every situation where you accept defeat and cut your losses?

This is not to say that I actively want to die. I want, more than anything, to have life prove me wrong, and for this dead and desolate landscape inside me and heal, bloom again. I want to see where things go with this new person who has so captivated me for the past 20 days. I want to see how the future unfolds. Much in the same way a plant, being slowly poisoned with bleach, still yearns for the sunlight and reaches for water.

To those who have expressed concern.

JUST A FRIENDLY REMINDER TO THOSE WHO ARE CONCERNED. The things you read on facebook and here are me venting. Me writing out the things I feel in order to get them out of my head in a manner which is non confrontational. Some people use a hand written journal to express their feelings and emotions, I use my blog. Please do not assume that because I write "I want to slice my arm until blood runs" it means that I am going to DO IT, anymore than me writing that "I feel like my head is going to explode" in regards to a migraine headache means it is, in fact, going to explode. It means that the thought is in my head and I am writing it down to do so as to REMOVE it from my head and give it a release. I appreciate the fact that some of my writing is sensational and over the top, and this may cause concern in some of you, but rest assured, I am a non violent person in action if not in thought and to be quite honest would rather see myself in pain than someone I love and care about, even when those I love and care about are the source of my pain. If you read something in my blog or my facebook statuses that concerns you, PLEASE do the adult thing and bring it up to me in a message or comment, as I am a grown adult and fully willing to discuss/explain my thought process with anything I've written and posted for the public eye.

It is I, back from the great beyond.

I haven't blogged in some time. Which is not to say I haven't had blogs in my head, but I've been too damn exhausted this past week to be bothered with typing them out. I've been up at 5:45 every day since Monday to go watch Chance (my best friend's new baby. He's almost two months old and adorable, and, luckily for me, a very good baby)while she and her husband work.


**Hours later**

Yeah, anyway. That about sums up what I've been up to/will be up to this coming week. Perhaps I'll write more soon, perhaps not. Until then...

vent.

I can't fucking take this shit. Things JUST start being decent between my grandmother and I and Jon comes back and she goes directly back to treating me like I'm a worthless piece of shit, then they wonder why I'm so fucking jealous of him. I tried being honest with her and telling her how hard it is for me to keep positive, or even to keep myself from thinking about dying and she rolls her fucking eyes at me and says "here we go again." I could barely handle this crap when I had my meds to help me, and now I don't even have that little bit to help. Nobody in this family fucking gives two shits that I fucking struggle to make it through every single goddamn day, they think I'm just being over dramatic and making things up. I've been wondering if maybe committing myself would help lately. That's how goddamn bad it's gotten, I'm considering having myself locked away until I can fucking learn to deal with myself, and they fucking blow it off.

Thoughts.

These are my thoughts exactly as they come to me from 9:32-9:35am.



Some days I feel like I'm at a carnival blindfolded, never
knowing what ride I'm getting on next.

I've not slept since 11:30am yesterday.

I am excessively horny, and excessively depressed that I've not had sex in about three years. Four years since I've had GOOD sex.

I need to go take a shower.

I kind of want to play my guitar, but my brother's sleeping in the next room.

I need to go take a cold shower.

What if there is life beyond our planet and those lifeforms write stories and movies and such about their fear that one day WE will come take possession of their planet and do medical tests on them?

It's sad that due to human nature we WOULD dissect and study them, because we humans tend to destroy that which we don't understand, that which we fear...and we do it in the name of learning, in the name of science, as if that justifies it.

I want a kitten.

I should really go get in the shower.

Alix Olson has some great lesbian-centric poetry.

I feel kind of dizzy, but not like..my whole head? Just at the back of my head.

I hope I can sleep tonight.

I want scrambled eggs.

Fuck the eggs, I want sex.

Chair dancing is fun, but I really hope no one ever walks in and catches me doing it, because I'm sure I look a fool.

I need a girlfriend. Or just a friend. Someone to cuddle with...

I don't really know if I even know how to relate to another person in the way it'd take to be in a relationship anymore.

Need. Shower. I. Go. To. There.

Dear Little Brother

Dear Little Brother,

I love you very much, and I'm glad that you're no longer in Louisiana with no money or food to eat. However, I really hope that you do not intend to live here. You put an enormous strain on everyone in this house when you are here. You take and take and take, and never think to contribute anything. You worry our Grandmother to the point she gets physical symptoms. You make our Grandfather's already high blood pressure worse. You are a trigger for my anxiety and bipolar disorders, and you send me into a state that makes me contemplate a world without me in it. You bring drugs into the house, and the tray of seed starters you brought back from Louisiana with you? It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what you're growing in them. You borrow our Grandfather's truck, his only means of getting the wood he uses to heat the house, and drive it while hopped up on pills. You traipse in and out of the house at all hours of the night, interrupting everyone's sleep. I could continue on, but I won't.

I love you so much, Little Brother, that I can't even tell you, but until you grow the fuck up and drop the self centered, greedy druggie routine, you will forever be a toxin to those who love you. I know that coming from me this all seems pretty hypocritical, but I changed. I realized how much I was fucking up those who love me. I made myself into a better person so that their love wasn't in vain. I can only hope that one day you can see that you're worth so much more than you're allowing yourself to be, and make the same changes. I don't want to lose you, but if you continue the route you're on now, I fear I will.

Love Always,
Aimee

Sometimes it's best to cut your losses.

I feel more and more like I don't belong here. By here I mean on earth, in society, a part of the human race. I don't think this means I've given up, I just think it means I've finally accepted the truth. I've been fighting tooth and nail for years and to what end? A sliver of happiness here and there? A sliver of happiness that's only taken away from me when I'm least expecting it? When I've just gotten used to standing on my feet the rug gets pulled from under me? I can't keep going on this way. Is it so wrong to just accept that you'll never win, you're always going to be an outsider and cut your losses? I don't think it's wrong. Especially in comparison to constant pain, mental anguish and anxiety. If an animal is living in constant pain we put it out of it's misery. Humane euthanasia. Why can't society just accept that sometimes humans are living in too much pain to go on and take the taboo away from ending it.

here we go again.

Depression. Seclusion. Suicidal thoughts that I can't control. Anxiety. Urges to self harm.

Collected Poetry II: The lost archives

As the title implies, these are my poems from the mid to late 90's that I thought were lost. I happened to find a box of floppy discs when condensing my things yesterday and lo and behold, there they were, on a nondescript disc. After many overjoyed squees and a bit of editing (apparently I wasn't such a stickler for grammar and spelling back then), I present them to you. Welcome to the mind of an undiagnosed Bi-polar teenage cutter. -_-

Blind Love

Touching, holding, caressing

These things are clear in my mind

Loving, kissing, romancing

If you can’t see this, you must be blind

Drifting, roaming, wishing

But still you hurt me, causing my heart to break

Swearing, yelling, crying

But, no, I know this wasn’t a mistake

Missing, wanting, yearning

After all you’ve done

I still love you blindly

Aimee Bell 1997

***

Chosen

Friends are the family

chosen by the heart

tied with bonds so tight

they'll never come apart

few are ever chosen

to come into my life

many are the ones

who have only twisted the knife

but you, my sweet friend

have showed me you're sincere

you're of my chosen family now

and in my heart you're always near

so, if you ever need me

just look deep inside your heart

I'll always be there with you

and there we'll never be apart

Aimee Bell 3-22-98

***

Does the moon

does the moon know

what my heart feels

does it hear my silent cries

screamed wordlessly in the night

do the stars hear my hopes and dreams

die of neglect and misuse

or does the dark absorb it all

diffuse it into the air

and then give way to light and day

forgotten by all but one

Aimee Bell 3-21-98

***

In your eyes

Those three words

come so easy to me

But to you there unspeakable

Sometimes I think you just don't care

But your actions make me see

The way you look into my eyes

Your fingers in my hair

It comes as no shock to me

That when i gaze into your eyes

I see those three words there

Aimee Bell 1997

***

Invade

An intrusion

of the soul -

body -

mind -

feelings never felt

never wanna feel again

close the

doors -

my heart

is

cold

my body

barren

invaded

Aimee Bell 3-21-98

***

Misunderstood

Pain runs - deep - rooted fears

scalding tears fall - unheard -

fists balled tight turn inward -

pain turns to anger turns to hate -

hate turns to depression -

depression lingers -

pain hurts - good - blood will run -

calm comes unseen - unheard - undetected -

calm brings blackness -

with blackness comes understanding -

understood to late

Aimee Bell 3-21-98

***

Scarred

You threw me down

Onto the shag carpet

You forced yourself on me

And told me I’d like it

You ripped me wide open

With your probing body

And hit my face

Each time I cried out in pain

And after you reached your climax

You spat on my face

And left me lying there, bleeding

With a lifetime of scars

that will never heal

Aimee Bell

1994

***

In Between

Love is non-existent

Hate lives in its place

And where the beautiful thoughts once lived

Is now only empty space

Rage kills happiness

Pain kills dreams

And here I am

Stuck somewhere in between

Aimee Bell 1999

***

Untitled 3

Eyes wide closed

falling to deep

to fast

to far

feelings fly by

twisted

entertwined

confused

Eyes open tight

truth

just beyond reach

hides tauntingly

quietly slips by

is it a feeling

never yet felt

or a phantom

from the past

back

to haunt again

Aimee Bell 3-21-98

***

Untitled 2

Your eyes

Deep as the ocean

Tell the truth

Words unspoken

Lie

Just below the surface

Will you

Ever

Speak these words

to me?

Aimee Bell 3-22-98

***

Wander

Wandering lost afraid

Alone

Through this nightmare

Called life

Days passing by

Sand through the fingers

Slipping away

Monotonus repetition

It’s all the same

Drugs ease the pain

Make it all better

Until it’s not

Other means of making it

All go away

Come to mind

But thoughts are fleeting

Friends are there

And then

They’re not

You can’t rely on anything

Even yourself

Aimee Bell 10-11-99