Giving thanks.

It is 3:45am, and I've been home for about 45 minutes. I had a mini vacation to KY, and then TN. All told, Sunday, Monday and Tuesday I was in some sort of vehicle for approximately 28 hours. I am body weary and my anxiety levels are through the roof, but underneath the surface static there is a sense of peace and happiness that wasn't there prior to last Thursday. Being in a place with people I was comfortable being myself around, and who made me feel wanted, and not like I was a burden or an unwanted observer standing at the edge of the room, healed some of the injury my soul's taken on in the past few years. It wasn't even so much the things we did while I was there, (though going to my first Amanda Palmer concert with Nikki and Penny was one of my top 10 best experiences EVER)it was just that Austin and Nikki made me feel completely at home. It's very hard for me to connect with people nowadays, and that I felt entirely comfortable with them so quickly had me kind of in awe. Especially since, in reality, I've only known them for a handful of months online. Though, the duration of a relationship, friendship or romantic holds far less importance to me than the depth of said relationship.

Friends. I am thankful for my friends, both online and in person, old and new. Without the select few I've let into my life, I would be a shell of a person. My friends are what keeps my head above water. So, to you few, thank you from the very depths of my heart.

The concert was transcendent. I spent the hours leading up to it in a state of near anxiety attack, and had to take double the ativan I normally take, but it was worth it to be there and see Amanda Palmer work her magic. She opened by coming in the doors at the rear of the theater, marching band style and proceeded to rock the fuck out for the next...hour? Two? I don't even know. I was in a complete daze, as always happens to me when I'm seeing a band/performer that is important to me live. I couldn't tell you the setlist, I only remember a handful of what she played, but I can tell you that I was moved between joy and laughter and excitement to painful tears in the course of the set. The venue was amazing, a beautiful old theater with velveteen seats and carved cherubs above the balconies...not my favorite kind of venue, I prefer standing room only to seated concerts, but it definitely suited the show. I met Beth Hommel, Amanda's assistant, whose blogs I've been reading for a while, and I found her to be awesome. I "met" Amanda briefly when she signed autographs after the show, I saw Bitch from the now defunct Bitch and Animal (who I LOVED back in the day)when she joined Amanda onstage for her cover of "That's not my name" by the Ting Tings, and also saw her at the merch table later. Penny met some of the guys from The Nervous Cabaret, who opened for/backed Amanda's set, and who were also awesome.

Music. I am thankful for music. It fuels me, feeds me. It calms me when I am at my breaking point and it fires me up when I'm lacking fuel to go on. It inspires me to create. It touches me in places nothing else can reach. Without it in my life I would probably go completely insane.

"Quod me nutrit, me destruit" would probably be the best way to describe my family in the general sense. For the most part, they don't understand me and don't care to even try. They love me, but they do so while holding me at arms length and without even really knowing who I am. Mostly a generic sort of love. There are a few exceptions, however, ranging from good to bad. My Aunt B. She's at the top of the good end of the scale. She's amazing, basically the only family member I know has my back without fail. She believes in me, she tries her hardest to understand me, and she goes to bat for me with other family members who prefer to treat me like less than a human. Which brings me to the other end of the totem pole. The ones who look at me with disdain, unfounded mistrust, who don't care to try and understand me, or even carry on a conversation with me. Who view me as a burden no matter what help I give. Who treat me worse than most people would treat their worst enemy.

Family. I'm thankful for them, good, neutral or bad. The good serve to lift me up, and the bad...well, I guess they have their purpose too. Without the bad, I wouldn't know how much pain I can take on without breaking down. Good or bad, they've made me who I am today.