I said I wasn't going to do this here...

...but where else do I have to go, really? Not my friends, I can't seem to bring myself to let go and actually lay it out to any of them. Not to mention that none of them would really understand, even if I did lay it out. I'm un-medicated, I'm on a bi-polar down-slide, I have seasonal depression, excessive anxiety and there are about five other smaller stressors at work all at once. This isn't a matter of talking to a friend, having them say "well, look at the bright side", say something to cheer me up and it's all better. I need to talk to someone who will listen without judging and understand that sometimes you need to allow your depression to run its course. And since that's not gonna happen, here goes.

I am excessively unhappy here. I have been for quite a while, but it just gets worse as time goes on. Most days my grandmother is cold and aloof, some days she's mean and insulting and others she's outright vicious to me. My brother is demanding, thankless, treats me as if I'm a maid/servant and enjoys berating me when things don't go his way. My grandfather basically ignores me, unless it's to snort incredulously at something I say and roll his eyes. My father and sisters are distant people who I relate to as I relate to casual acquaintances. My mother has her own life with no time (or patience) for my shit, and the same goes for most of that side of the family, too. My aunt B has her own troubles and is quite sick of hearing me whine, I'm sure. My best friend has her family and her own problems, and I would not seek to burden her with my shit, even if I thought she would understand what I'm going through. Basically, if you're not living it, you just won't get it.

In October I had actually decided that I couldn't take anymore, and had planned on ending things. I had plans to go see AFP with Nikki, and my intent was to do it after that. Seeing the concert was the one thing I really had to look forward to, and once I'd had that experience, I was ok with it being done. A couple things happened in the meantime, though. I met someone who started the stirrings of feelings inside my long dormant chest, and then I went on vacation. I spent time away from here, and I realized that I CAN actually still feel things other than sadness and pain. I was actually happy, and enjoying myself when I was away. I was with people who didn't treat me like shit, who actually spoke to me, had conversations. Included me. Made me feel at home. Then I came back home. More of the same. Then the holidays. So now...I'm back at square one. I'm perfectly ok with the idea of not being here. Sure, the future might hold change, but who's to say if that's a definite thing or just a possibility? I can't spend an indefinite amount of time feeling this way again. My shoulders are tired from hefting the original load, I don't think that they can handle more shit being shoveled on them every day until gods know when. It's kind of harder now, too, having tasted happiness and then coming back to this.

And so, I sit back at square one. I have a lot of things to decide, a lot of thoughts and emotions to process. And frankly, I'm tired. A large part of me is telling me to withdraw from people entirely and avoid bothering them with my shit. So, if you don't hear from me...the few of you who will read this...you know why. I'm doing it to save you from dealing with my shit.