Brewing.

There is an insane amount of anger and frustration brewing inside me. I feel entirely weak and powerless in my life, and as someone who has had the power taken away from them more than once over the course of their life, it does not have a good reaction in me. It makes me bitter, it makes me reach for situations which I CAN control, and it makes me an absolutely horrible person to be around.

I had someone (in my family) who I could go to. Someone who had my back. The only one who I felt came close to understood me, and whom I felt supported me. Saw the way things were here. I spoke to her xmas night, and that illusion was shattered. I knew it was only a matter of time until her ear was turned and I'd lose her, but I had hoped it wouldn't happen until I was closer to leaving. Oh, well. I don't need anyone to believe me, I suppose. It doesn't matter that everyone here thinks I'm a liar and a thief and an all around horrible person. None of it matters in the grand scheme of things, I guess. I know I'm not those things. That's what matters, right?

She spoke to me of getting out of this house, of moving away and letting the relationships here heal. She didn't give me a chance to interject, or maybe I just knew it was pointless to do so, but that is something that I doubt will ever happen. There is too much damage done here. There are no words or actions that will convince me that the woman has anything other than animosity and hatred for me at this point. I regret this, I wish it could be different, but my heart can only take so many cuts before the scar tissue heals over and makes it closed off. She loved me in the past, I know this, but she hasn't for a while now. No one can treat someone they honestly and truly love the way that woman treats me.